Egoraptor and JonTron Go To Subway
by Smash the Ecchidna
Summary: A Game Grumps Fanfiction Novelette.
1. PROLOGUE: THE HUNGER

**Egoraptor and JonTron Go To Subway**

A _Game Grumps_ Fanfiction Novelette

By Smash the Ecchidna

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**PROLOGUE: THE HUNGER**

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"Hey I'm Grump / I'm Not So Grump / And we're the Game Grumps!" Egoraptor and JonTron, the Game Grumps, screamed one morning. They were about to yell at video games when suddenly JonTron's stomach grumbled loudly.

"Haha, looks like my stummy's grump too!" JonTron said. Egoraptor giggled and waved his hand toward JonTron as if to say "Oh, you!"

"Alright, we should go grab something to eat then," Egoraptor said. "Where do you wanna go?"

"I dunno... This is quite a pickle!" JonTron replied. Making decisions was not JonTron's strong point, but making food puns certainly was.

The two ruminated over their quandary for a moment, considering all possibilities available to them but never reaching a conclusion. They might have remained stuck in this situation for all eternity were it not for the train passing over their house giving Egoraptor an idea. "How about we go to Subway?" he posited.

"That sounds grumptious! Let's do it," JonTron gleefully responded. So they quickly put their clothes on, stepped outside, and got into the Grumpmobile.

"Hey, where are the keys?" Egoraptor anxiously asked. His head darted in multiple directions, frantically searching for the car keys as he began to become hot and bothered.

"Right here, pal," JonTron smirked as he gingerly pulled the keys out of his pants pocket. Egoraptor playfully slapped JonTron's chest as he grasped the keys and plunged them into the ignition hole.

The Grumpmobile started up smoothly and the two dudes buckled up. Egoraptor made sure to check that they still had plenty of gas, that their signals were functional, and, most importantly, that their fuzzy dice were still funky fresh. Everything was clear for them to start driving. Thus, the Grumps drove themselves to Subway, making sure to obey all traffic safety laws on the way.


	2. CHAPTER I: WELCOME TO SUBWAY

**CHAPTER I: WELCOME TO SUBWAY**

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Egoraptor held the door open for JonTron as they both stepped into their local Subway establishment. The Subway Man at the counter looked up and drowsily greeted them: "Welcome to Subway."

"Wazzup!" JonTron barked at the Subway Man. "I'd like a footlong Steak & Cheese on garlic bread with jalapenos and onions, and I want it drenched in ranch and honey mustard!"

"Toasted?" the Subway Man asked.

"Yeah sure. Oh, and I want lots of pickles!" JonTron said as he slyly looked over at Egoraptor and winked. Egoraptor giggled again.

The Subway Man then turned to Egoraptor. "And you?"

"I'd like a toasted footlong Meatball Marinara on Italian herbs and cheese. Top it with olives and Parmesan."

"Hey bro, keep eating stuff like that and you're gonna end up having ANOTHER chin!" JonTron teasingly said toward Egoraptor. Egoraptor backhanded JonTron's face as his own blushed with embarrassment. He did not change his order.

"Uh-huh, ok." The Subway Man got to work on their sandwiches and soon enough both were ready.

"Dang, those sammies smell grumptastic!" JonTron said as they all rode over to the cash register.

"Are you two together?" the Subway Man asked as he began to ring them up.

"Y-yes..." JonTron timidly said. Egoraptor nodded in agreement.

"That'll be $10," the Subway Man said. Egoraptor, of course, paid the entire bill. Thus, the Grumps received their burgers, putting an end to their cuisine crisis.


	3. CHAPTER II: CRUNCH TIME

**CHAPTER II: CRUNCH TIME**

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Egoraptor and JonTron sat down at a table near the back of the store so that they could have some privacy. As Egoraptor immediately dug into his spaghetti, JonTron grabbed a ruler out of his pants and carefully examined his own. "What's the matter, Jon?" Egoraptor asked.

"Er, nothing..." JonTron replied, clearly dodging the question.

"Come on, Jonny, you know you can talk to me about anything," Egoraptor assured him.

"Alright... come over here," JonTron said. Egoraptor left his side of the table and scooched right next to JonTron, who placed his ruler right next to his sandwich for measurement. It was 11 inches long. "See? These subs ARE shorter than Subway says they are. My footlong is more like a foot-less!"

"You're right, Jon..." Egoraptor concurred. "This is quite the example of false advertising..."

"Oh well, what can you do?" JonTron sighed, defeated. "Let's just finish up here and put this pickle behind us."

"I don't think so, Jon," Egoraptor said. He was not going to let this slight slide as easily as his buddy did. With an adamant look on his face, he stood up and prepared to walk toward the front counter. "I'm gonna give that Subway Man a piece of my mind."

"Aaron (Egoraptor's IRL name) don't leave...! Aaron don't!" JonTron cried at Egoraptor, begging him not to do anything rash. "AARON!"

Egoraptor did not listen. He knew he had to confront the Subway Man for not only the sake of his dear friend, but also the many other patrons of Subway who could be potentially ripped off by this devious dishonesty. The wheel of fate was turning.


	4. CHAPTER III: GRUMPFRONTATION

**CHAPTER III: GRUMPFRONTATION**

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Puffing out his chest, Egoraptor sauntered up to the counter, planted his arms on it, and gazed passionately into the Subway Man's eyes. The Subway Man returned his gaze with a tired stare. "What?" the Subway Man asked.

Egoraptor cleared his throat and commenced his monologue. "Hey, Subway Man. Aaron "Egoraptor" Handsome here. Recently, a man by the name of – Jon "JonTron" Tron – ordered a sandwich from you called a footlong Steak & Cheese."

The Subway Man looked back toward where JonTron was sitting and JonTron blew a raspberry at him.

"However, the sandwich he received was not a foot long as requested; in fact, its length was only eleven inches according to the ruler he is known to habitually stash in his trousers. As a result of your negligence, my pal is experiencing symptoms of depression, paranoia, and an achey tummy. Ergo, for the suffering and damages caused by your substandard sub, I would like to humbly request some form of compensation for my dog. Thank you." With that, Egoraptor finished his spiel, which he thought was pretty darn swell. The Subway Man, on the other hand, was not so aroused.

"HOW DARE YOU!" the Subway Man snapped as his face grew red with rage. "It is because of Spoiled Spencers like yourselves, who cannot appreciate what they have and pick themselves up from the dirt, that America is being flushed down the toilet rather than proudly being hailed at the twilight's last gleaming!"

Egoraptor was taken aback. "Those words... Those speech patterns... It can't be..."


	5. ACT IV: THE SUBWAY MAN BARES HIMSELF

**ACT IV: THE SUBWAY MAN BARES HIMSELF**

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"You're a Republican, aren't you?!" Egoraptor exclaimed.

"Mwahahaha... So you have figured me out..." The Subway Man cackled as he disrobed his Subway uniform to reveal a business suit and grow a tie out of his neck. "No matter; you two so-called 'Game Grumps' have no chance of stopping Subway and its inch-short footlongs!" Upon that note, he hopped into his combination limousine / race car and rocketed into the night sky.

"We'll see about that!" Egoraptor retorted. "Jon! We have to go after that Subway Man and put an end to his madness!"

"D-do we really have to...?" JonTron whined.

"Jon, if we don't go after that guy, he'll just come back to scam more customers out of their last inch of sandwich, and that extra inch might just be what makes those hungry hungry humans feel stuffed instead of starved!"

"... So what you're saying is..."

"YES WE HAVE TO!" Egoraptor screamed as he piggybacked JonTron into the Grumpmobile. Not having the time to buckle up, he quickly punched the jet boots button, which turned their tires into jet boots, and within mere moments, the two lifted off in hot, throbbing pursuit of the Subway Man.


	6. CHAPTER 5: HOT SUIT

**CHAPTER 5: HOT SUIT**

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"You two scallywags are quite persistent, aren't ye?!" the Subway Man squawked backward at the Game Grumps as he shot at them with cannonballs. The dynamic duo had to maneuver carefully to avoid the savage spheres while simultaneously trying to figure out their own angle of aggression.

"Jon, did you remember to resupply the Grumpmobile Garrison like I told you to?" Egoraptor asked as he piloted his steed through the perilous flight.

"Oopsie-doodle!" JonTron answered innocently as he cocked his head and looked at Egoraptor with puppy eyes.

"Oh, Jon..." Egoraptor moaned. He had to come up with another way to wallop the foe whisking away from them. It took only a few seconds before the light bulb in his head jacked off. "I've got it!"

"Hey, Subway Man!" Egoraptor yelled at the Subway Man. "I bet that silver spoon's only in your mouth because your mom shoved it there to shut you up!"

"T-that not be the truth!" the Subway Man replied as he spat it out.

"Haha, Republican? More like re-pickle-can!" JonTron howled. Egoraptor thought that JonTron's insult did not actually make much sense but he patted him on the head anyway.

The Game Grumps continued to taunt the Subway Man mercilessly, ultimately causing his suit to spontaneously combust. Indeed, the burns were so bodacious that the Subway Man had to chomp an orange to put out the flames. "Y'arr, I bet ye be feelin' like Jolly Rogers about tha' salt ya sniped at me. Well, howsabout I snipe somethin' at you!"

A gigantic flintlock rifle popped out of the Subway Man's ship and took aim at the Grumpmobile, shooting an entire elephant at them. Though Egoraptor was able to steer their ride away from the brunt of the devilish Dumbo, its tusks did manage to pop the tyres on the starboard side. They were going down.

"Jon, looks like we're gonna have to jump!" Egoraptor proclaimed.

"I can't, man!" JonTron shouted back. "My shanks are shaking too hard!"

"Just do it!" Egoraptor opened the hatch of the Grumpmobile, got on the roof, and in one swift motion, he leapt onto the Subway Man's vessel. This was a very easy feat for him, as he knew how to ride on cars.

JonTron, on the other hand, was not as cool as Egoraptor, but fortunately for him, he was able to grab hold of his companion's long, flowing hair before he became roadkill. Thus, the two held onto each other and the Subway Man's hot rod tightly as they approached their final destination: Fort Knox.


	7. CHAPTER SIX: FORT KNOX FACTS

**CHAPTER SIX: FORT KNOX FACTS**

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Literally stopping on a dime, the Subway Man's car came to a halt and threw Egoraptor and JonTron into a thick, hard wall. The two lost consciousness immediately.

A familiar, fragrant scent wafted into the Game Grumps' nostrils as they awoke to find themselves locked in a cage. They took a look around: The room they were in was pitch-black, save for the dim, yellow glows coming from the top of what appeared to be buckets; the cage itself, though they could not ascertain what it was made out of, was entirely impenetrable; and the smell, which they could only describe as 'baked', permeated the air.

"Hello? Is anybody there?!" JonTron screeched. "Please lettuce out!"

"Hah! Do you really think it would be that easy, Jonathan?" the voice of the Subway Man echoed as the lights flickered on. Bright beams flooded the room and blinded the Grumps for a moment before the true horror of Fort Knox was revealed right before their very eyes.

The reason why the Republicans were stealing the last inch of every Subway footlong was not because they wanted to satiate a snacky appetite, but because they were transporting the miniature morsels to Fort Knox to be melted down into gold. Not just any gold either: It was 30 Karat Gold, the kind only spoken of in ancient legend.

"Impressive, isn't it?" The Subway Man Republican, whose real name was Bootstraps McYolo, walked up to them. An armed entourage of the Grand Old Party stood at his flanks. "With this secret operation taking place right under the noses of the American people, nothing can stop us from restoring the gold standard!"

"You dirty donkey!" Egoraptor swore as he shook the golden bars of the golden cage. "We'll never let you get away with this!"

Bootstraps McYolo snorted so loud that it shattered the glasses in the room. "Heh, you sure talk big, but you're trapped, and we have your tax dollars! You can't stop us from doing what we want!" He then proceeded to laugh in their faces and call them the N-word.

JonTron started to cry and curl into a fetal position from the bullying, but Egoraptor hid his face in hair and did not react one bit. "What's the matter, Aaron my boy?" Bootstraps McYolo asked. "Not feeling as 'Handsome' as you used to?!"

"You may think you have the upper hand..." Egoraptor snidely replied. "Butt, you forgot that Egoraptor has THREE members!"

"What?!"


	8. CHAPTER 3: EGORAPTOR'S THIRD MEMBER

**CHAPTER 3: EGORAPTOR'S THIRD MEMBER**

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Egoraptor hastily zipped his pants off and set them ablaze, sending a smoke signal into the sky. Soon enough, Flannel's Son popped into the fray and went blat blat kapow blam at the Republicans. The Republicans tried to return fire, but they could never hit him because he animated on ones. Eventually, Bootstraps McYolo and his GOP posse had no choice but to retreat deeper into Fort Knox.

"Thanks, Flannie-san. We'll take it from here," Egoraptor said. Flannie bowed honorably to his masters as he flipped the bird to his forehead and used instant transmission to exit the dungeon.


	9. CHAPTER 3-X: JONTRON GONE WILD

**CHAPTER 3-X: JONTRON GONE WILD**

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"Aaron, how are we gonna get out of this cage?" JonTron asked.

"Remember what this facility is being used for, Jon?" Egoraptor said while knocking him on the noodle. "The gold in this place is made out of bread, and this cage is made out of gold!"

"Aha! … What does that mean?"

Without saying another word, Egoraptor grabbed JonTron by the head, opened his mouth wide, and thrust him into the golden poles. One by one, JonTron ate his way through the shafts, becoming faster and more vigorous with each and every gulp. In the end, despite the bars being rigid and crunchy, the cage became flaccid and its remains crumbled to pieces.

"Now we can escape! Good job, Jon!" Egoraptor said as he gave JonTron a thumbs up.

"Nph prhbhlm Ahn!" JonTron replied, making victory signs with his hands as he swallowed.

"Now let's catch up to those dastardly dudes!" Egoraptor lifted JonTron off the ground and they both began to sprint in the direction of the Republicans' escape.


	10. CHAPTER X: CHAMPION OF CHINS

**CHAPTER X: CHAMPION OF CHINS**

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The Game Grumps emerged from a long, dark corridor to find themselves in the center of a Roman coliseum. Surrounding them were the Republicans with their guns at ready.

"You foolish fools walked right into my ambush!" Bootstraps McYolo sneered. "I have equipped my men with an infinite supply of ammo. There's no way you two will get out of this place alive!"

Egoraptor scowled. "Infinite bullets, huh...? Two can play at that game!"

Egoraptor turned his behind towards JonTron, looked over his shoulder, and nodded at him. JonTron did the same and nodded back. They then touched their glutes together and screamed, "HENSHIN!"

A powerful, gassy energy radiated from the Grumps, and in the blink of an eye, JonTron's body fat was transferred into Egoraptor's neck, making him an indomitable force of infinite chins.

"Tsk, a charming trick," Bootstraps McYolo admitted. "But you're still outnumbered. Fire!"

The Republican army unloaded their AK-47 clips into the Game Grumps, making sure to noscope their heads for instakills. However, Egoraptor used his mass of chins to absorb the barrage, allowing him and JonTron to come out unharmed.

"Now it's my turn!" Egoraptor shreked. He whirled his chinstrosity around him like a morning star, and in one herculean swing...

Bang!

Zoom!

Straight to the moon went the entire Republican fleet! Bootstraps McYolo was the only one left. The Game Grumps advanced on him.

"D***!" Bootstraps McYolo cussed. "I guess I have no choice but to unleash our ULTIMATE WEAPON!"

Bootstraps McYolo span like a drill as he chanted about the benefits of crude oil. Within minutes, a sinister snarl came from below the coliseum, and whatever force was behind it began to shake the ground until it ruptured.

"What the haggis going on?!" JonTron yelled. "Is it an earthquake?!"

"Jon, stay back!" Egoraptor warned him.


	11. PENULTIMATE CHAPTER: D'OH BOY

**PENULTIMATE CHAPTER: D'OH BOY**

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Suddenly, the Pillsbury Doughboy burst out from the fissures and tackled Egoraptor to the floor. The two mud wrestled for a bit before Egoraptor knocked the fiend back with a chinryuken. Unfortunately, this left an opening big enough for the Doughboy to latch on to his excess neck and bite it off.

"Wowser, bowser!" Egoraptor screamed in pain. The hickey the monstrous mallow left was dyed crimson. "That really smarts!"

The Pillsbury Doughboy responded with a bloodcurdling "Hoo-Hoo!" Its lust for human flesh was not yet fulfilled.

"Aaron, whatshisname is getting away!" JonTron pointed out as Bootstraps McYolo dashed up the staircase and skipped across the lily pads.

Egoraptor did not know what to do. On one hand, he could not leave Bootstraps McYolo to die another day, but on the other hand, letting the Pillsbury Doughboy roam free would cause a quantum of suck-ass; and all the while he was sweating so much that he wanted to rip his shirt off.

Noticing his pal's plight, JonTron thought it was time to do something useful for a change. He stood between Egoraptor and the Pillsbury Doughboy and provoked the latter. "Hey, Dough Dope! Come get a piece of me!"

"Jon, what are you doing?!" Egoraptor cried. "Your level isn't nearly high enough to take this boss on!"

"Don't you worry, bro," JonTron assured him. "I'll make mincemeat out of this muffin man for sure!"

Egoraptor humored his friend's bravery and defaulted. "Alright... Stay safe, darling."

"You can cownt on it!"

Thus, the Game Grumps went their separate ways, JonTron ready to sumo the Pillsbury Doughboy into submission as Egoraptor used his blood to surf toward the final battle.


	12. FINAL CHAPTER: YOLO

**FINAL CHAPTER: YOLO**

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Egoraptor and Bootstraps McYolo stood off on a precarious hanging platform. Beneath them, a gigantic melting pot bubbled and hissed, its contents shimmering like the stars and giving off the stench of garlic, 9-grain honey oat, and Italy. "I see ye've found me pot of gold!" the repulsive president laughed.

Egoraptor put up his daisy dukes. "Alright, you Grand Old Pickpocket. It's just you and me now, to the death."

"Hah!" Bootstraps McYolo responded. "Where's your sidekick? I assume you left him to die at the hands of my psychopathic pastry?"

"No, I left him to fend it off because he knew only I could possibly stop you!" Egoraptor held his fist back and began charging at Bootstraps McYolo, letting go as soon as he was in range of his big, stupid face.

CRUNCH! Direct hit!

But something was wrong: Bootstraps McYolo was unharmed.

"Huh...?" Egoraptor felt a violent sting surge through his arm, collapsing to the ground as he realized it was broken. Bootstraps McYolo mounted him.

"I had my body surgically modified to be made out of gold!" the bad dude screeched as he laid the smackdown into Egoraptor. "Did you really think you could attack me head on?!"

After he satisfied himself, Bootstraps McYolo got up and stared down at Egoraptor's bruised, busted body. "You're finished," he stated.

Egoraptor smirked. "Heh... So you think, but I still have an ace up my sleeve..."

"Oh, really?" Bootstraps McYolo replied, striking a triumphant, evil smile. His confidence was soon shattered, however, by the bullet from Egoraptor's gun piercing his teeth.

"Ghk... How...?" Bootstraps McYolo gasped as he stumbled and clutched his wound.

"You should ask yourself that. After all, it was your party's flimsy gun control laws that allowed a lunatic like me to legally possess a gun in the first place!" Egoraptor replied.

"Gahhhh... Well-played... But you haven't seen the last of me, Game Grumps!" And with that, Bootstraps McYolo fell backwards into the melting pot, cursing like a sailor the entire way down.

**Sploosh!**

Bootstraps McYolo was, as some might say, Rold Gold.


	13. EPILOGUE: GOD BLESS THE GAME GRUMPS

**EPILOGUE: GOD BLESS THE GAME GRUMPS**

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"Aaron!" JonTron wailed as he ran up to Egoraptor. His former plumpness was restored through completely cannibalizing the Pillsbury Doughboy.

"Jon!" Egoraptor replied as he ran toward him too. They both did a big bro hug bump and ejaculated happy greetings at each other.

"We did it, Aaron," JonTron said as tears of joy streamed down his fat face. "We saved America."

"For now, at least," Egoraptor cautioned. "However, as long as the Republican Party continues to defile our democracy, America's strife for freedom will never truly be over..."

JonTron slumped his head down and frowned. "Does that mean we can't celebrate?"

"Heck no! Let's boogie!"

Thus, the Game Grumps streaked through the hallowed halls of Fort Knox until dawn, upon which they sat down and watched the sunrise. In the distance, the stolen inches of sandwich were gently drifting through the breeze, making their way back to the people who originally paid for them. Meanwhile, Egoraptor comfortably nestled his head in JonTron's bountiful bosom, almost falling fast asleep until he felt a mighty rumble below his cheek.

"Haha!" JonTron chortled. "Looks like my stummy's grump AGAIN!"

"D'oh boy...!" Egoraptor exclaimed.

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**THE END**


End file.
